'Too much admin' to 'it's old-fashioned': Why women aren't taking their husband's surnames

In the lead up to my wedding, the one detail I didn't have to ponder over too much the decision as to whether I would keep my last name, or take my new husband's. Although, it's a decision that probably came as a surprise to a fair few people I know.My partner proposed while I was six months pregnant, so, three months later we were standing there (well, actually, I was lying there) in hospital when it came time to officially name our son.We had been discussing, or more accurately joking about baby names for the entire pregnancy – we had been calling him Sampson O'Hampson for so long that I was worried it might actually stick.READ MORE: Singer reveals double diagnosis: 'Likely for the duration of my life'Before I'd met my partner, I read a piece by writer Dawn O'Porter about how and why she had just taken the O' from her husband, actor Chris O'Dowd, when they'd married. I immediately wondered/hoped/planned to either keep my full last name or do the opposite to Dawn and just transfer over the O' of O'Connell to my husband's surname one day.But then we were in that hospital room, being asked if our son would stay 'Baby of Alice' or 'Baby O'Connell' forever, or if he might have a real name. A first name had come surprisingly easily once we laid eyes on him.Then my partner asked what I wanted to do for his surname – we could 100 per cent name him an O'Connell, or a combo, and make him O'Hampson, he said. But – almost to my surprise – something very traditional took over me and I wanted my son to have the same name as his father, his brother (my soon-to-be stepson) and one day, me. I wanted the four of us to share a name.READ MORE: The one coffee rule expert says you shouldn't breakSure, O'Hampson would be cool – but when you're a step-mum, it's... well, a completely ridiculous thing to even suggest and I didn't want the rest of us to be even slightly different to one another.Although we don't need anything concrete to define us as a family unit, if a shared name was something that was on offer, I wanted to take that opportunity. A name doesn't make a family, but it certainly felt special to me that we would have the same one.When I told people I was changing my last name, some didn't bat an eyelid. Some said, things along the lines of 'that's a great name!', or 'I love that you will all have the same name!'. A couple of people said they were surprised – they thought because of my career/age (I am 42) I wouldn't want to change it.Which... is a fair point and something I did pause for a second to think about. But, I came to the conclusion that the media industry isn't that big in New Zealand that people wouldn't eventually be able to work out that it was still me, just with a new name. Plus, I have plenty of successful examples of friends and colleagues I know who have changed their names. I can't even remember what their maiden names were now.I also had someone say that it didn't seem like a very feminist thing to do. Which, yes, I get. Although, as Capsule's Emma once pointed out, my previous surname wasn't a particularly feminist one, it was still a man's name – my father's.The clincher for me is that my kids already have that last name, so I'm not about to make everyone change their name (including my stepson?!) to take a stand. I do love when couples both change their last name though. One of my favourite stories to come out of the cesspit that is 'Bachelor Nation' last year was that one of the couples who got married last year both changed their surname to Rose.READ MORE: Fergie's emotional message for 'brave' Kate amid cancer journeyIt was the maiden name of the groom's late mother – he didn't have a relationship with his father, so their wedding seemed like the perfect time for a fresh start for both of them (also, how pretty is Rose for a last name).Another response that I got that surprised me was by someone else in the industry who had done the same and changed their name: "the only bitch is that when you split up, you have to change your name back and then it's very public," she said. Yikes.But yes, I get where she is coming from – and, I have written enough Divorce Diaries in the past four years to know that they certainly can happen. But, I guess that's something that also secretly appeals to me about changing my name.Not too many generations back, a divorce just simply wasn't an idea you could entertain – now, it's much, much less taboo. Taking the plunge and saying 'I do' is one thing – changing my name seems like... another level of commitment? Like, I can't help but wonder if that's why Jennifer Affleck changed her name this time – like, yes, I've been married before, but this time I'm for serious!!I also know a few people who are divorced, but have kept the last names of their ex-husbands. I messaged two of them to ask about their decision. One said: "Easy. It was probably for the same reason that you're taking your husband's name now – it's not just his name, it's my kids' name. I want to have the same name as my kids.I still want to have the same name as my kids. Some people think it's weird, but what do I care!" My other friend said, "I got married when I was technically still a teenager. I've had that last name longer than my maiden name. It feels more me, than my maiden name, so why not keep it?"READ MORE: William's emotional update on the Princess of WalesUnfortunately, the Department of Internal Affairs doesn't keep a record of whether women or men changed their names after marriage, so we don't have any official statistics in NZ, but in the States a 2023 Pew Research Center survey showed that 79% of women took their husband's last name, while 5% hyphenated both names – leaving just 14% who kept their name.On the other hand, 92% of males kept their name, while 5% changed theirs, and 1% hyphenated.In the UK the number is even higher, according to one 2016 survey that put the number of women who change their name to their husbands' at 90%.I did an informal survey on our Instagram page (Lordy, that got you all talking – and we will get to that!), but it found that of those of you who were already married, 65% of you changed your last name, with 31 per ent keeping your original surname.Interestingly, of those of you who are unmarried, the majority of you said you wouldn't change your name if you were to get hitched. Fifty-two per cent of you said you wouldn't change your surname, while 27 per cent said 'maybe? It depends!', with just 21 per cent saying you would change.Perhaps that's also down to the fact that the majority of our Capsule followers are aged 30+ and perhaps the older you get, the less likely you are to change? I know I've already found myself forgetting my new name after 42 years of saying a different one.READ MORE: William's emotional update on the Princess of WalesWe received a heck of a lot of feedback (seriously. I got a sore hand from all the screenshotting of results) was your reasoning behind your decision making.For those of you who are married and changed your name, one reason for changing your name came up over and over again: "I wanted to have the same name as my partner, and more importantly, kids.""So that when we had kids we would all be the same" "I didn't want a different name from my kids one day". There was page after page of women saying something along these lines.Then, there were some of you who said things like, "I liked his name better!" or "His is shorter and easier for others to spell!" or "I wanted a fresh start" or "it's tradition!".Many of our followers in older age brackets said it was "simply the done thing in my day" or "it wasn't up for debate in the decade that I got married," or, "I love my married name – I hated my maiden as I hate my dad."Some said they regretted their choice (saying "I got talked into it by my husband" or "It was important to my husband, so I did it, but I kinda wish I didn't'), while others said it was a big decision they weighed up for weeks/months/years, but are ultimately glad they chose to.On the other side of things were those of you who have kept your maiden name, or are unmarried and sure that if you ever were to marry, you'd keep your current name. There were some brilliant answers, including these:"I like my last name – why would I change it?" or something very similar is what many of you said.But then there were also these wonderful one-off kind of answers:"It's part of my identity! I also think it's old fashioned that the female has to change!""I built my business under my own name, not my partner's!""I would never give up my OWN NAME. This is crazy!"READ MORE: Flights to bucket list destination now cheaper than ever"I'm proud of my Māori heritage. I don't want to take a pakeha name""Because... uh, feminism?!""His surname sucks""Honestly it just felt like too much admin!""It's based on patriarchal ownership rights, no benefit to me in changing my name""The idea of getting married later means I've got an identity and career with my name""It's too expensive and time-consuming""I had my name for 30 years. It was part of my identity. It felt wrong to change it!""I'm an only child, and an only grandchild so want to keep the family name alive!""His surname is too hard to spell!""I did not spend $$$ and a zillion years at medical school to be DR My Husband's Name.""I just know I would forget that I had changed my last name so why bother?"I love these reasons too, and I totally get that last one. So far, I'm yet to officially officially change my name, but I've done so on social media (perhaps the most officially feeling step though?) and here on Capsule.And, still, every time I'm on Capsule's social media pages and it says that Alice Hampson has edited or uploaded something, for a second I have a freakout that we've been hacked.I'm sure it will take a while to sink in, but for now – I'm still enjoying the novelty of it, and how surprisingly special it feels to look at my family and know we all share the same name.I almost wish we still had a landline so we could record an answer phone message saying 'You've reached the Hampson's!'. Maybe it's a trivial thing – and one that's not for everyone – but for me, it's felt like the right decision.*Names have been changedFOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP HERE: Stay across all the latest in celebrity, lifestyle and opinion via our WhatsApp channel. No comments, no algorithm and nobody can see your private details.This article was originally published on Capsule. It has been republished here with permission.