I didn't think of being trans as an identity or as a social group or as a movement, it was more just experiencing dysphoria and wishing I could be free of it. Going back as early as six or seven, I remember thinking that I would be a lot better off if I had been a girl like my sisters were. I know this almost makes me a walking stereotype, and obviously, this isn't the case for everybody, but I felt like I always knew something was wrong, that it wouldn't be wrong if I was more like my sisters.
At the same time, I was trying to do the best I could with what I had in a deeply religious, deeply traditional household. I was raised in an environment that talked about the military as a noble and valid life pursuit. Service was always something very, very close to my family.
My dad was an elder in the local church, we were always doing stuff that served the community. I was extremely religious, though I'm not anymore, and ended up going to Bible college after high school, lasting just three semesters. I flunked out of Bible college and didn't really have a life goal.
I did have a long-term relationship with my girlfriend, was deeply closeted, self-denying, and all of that, trying to overcome dysphoria through sheer force of will and old-fashioned self-denial through public service and marriage and family and all of the things that my upbringing had promised me will bring fulfillment. While those things are incredibly important and fulfilling, they are not a cure for dysphoria, and .
