While sex can be one of the most intimate experiences a couple can share, it can also be incredibly difficult to talk about it. Marian O’Connor, a psychoanalytic couples therapist and psychosexual therapist at Tavistock Relationships, knows just how tricky a topic sex can be. But with more than 35 years’ experience under her belt, she knows a thing or two about getting the conversation started.
Why is it important to talk about sex? If both partners are happy with the frequency of their sex life and the pleasure it brings, then action speaks louder than words. But, like anything that isn’t going well in a relationship , the more it is buried, the more it becomes an issue. Speaking up about what is going on for each of you, however uncomfortable, shifts things.
Of course it’s normal for this to feel difficult; sex is a sensitive area, and you’ll need confidence to broach the subject, and a willingness to invest time and effort in it. If it matters, you will want to do something about it. In my practice, I encourage couples to think about the health of their relationship generally.
Are they supportive of each other? Do they have fun? Do they listen to what their partner says? Do they cuddle often? Is sex important to them? These questions open up thinking around what they both want. If a couple can use language based in the “we” and “us”, there is less likelihood of the other person being defensive, retreating or feeling inadequate. A successful outcome is mor.