Forget what they tell you about death and taxes, there is actually only one guarantee in life: if you are short, the tallest person in the vicinity will plant themselves in front of you in a festival crowd. If you would care to test the validity of that claim, come and stand next to me this weekend at Worthy Farm. Or at any show I have ever been to, up to and including Taylor Swift’s Eras Tour , of all places, where a Tall Boyfriend showed up just in time to make sure I couldn’t see a thing.
But this isn’t a screed against tall people, although I wouldn’t be against an elaborate taxation system that results in short people’s gig tickets being subsidised. This is a survival guide. As Glastonbury kicks off and becomes, according to an X post I saw earlier, the most densely populated place on Earth for five days, there’s a lot of standing in crowds to be done as you crane your neck to see which combo of long-sleeves-over-short-sleeves Chris Martin has gone with.
If you’re lower than average height, a crowd can be anything from frustrating to panic inducing, but there are ways to lessen the horrors. When one enterprising X user posted a video of her standing on a bucket and vibing to Paul McCartney at Glastonbury 2022, no fewer than four people sent it to me and honestly, I admire her tenacity and envy her view. But if you don’t want to carry a bucket around with you simply to catch sight of Macca’s quivering jowls then don’t worry, my tiny comrades, there are.