Holding a grudge against someone is common for most of us. A neighbour insults us, our boss criticises us or a friend betrays us, and we begin to resent them. While it’s human nature to get upset at being treated badly, holding on to ill will can hurt our mental health.
In one small study of 20 grudge holders, researchers found that harbouring resentment could reinforce upsetting thoughts, lower self-esteem and make negative feelings fester. Another study linked bearing a grudge with an increased risk of heart disease and chronic pain. Grudges can start anywhere, but they’re rarely worth holding on to.
Credit: iStock Despite these downsides, putting a grudge to rest isn’t always easy. As a psychologist, I know they can drag on for months or even years. A patient I worked with years ago held a grudge, well into adulthood, against a former friend who had publicly teased her when they were at a camp in the seventh grade.
She recognised that her resentment kept her stuck, but she didn’t know how to shake it. There’s no shame in holding a grudge. But if you’d like to set your grudge free, here are four tips I share with my patients.
Identify the meaning behind your grudge Research shows that grudges arise for different reasons. Feeling hurt or betrayed by someone who never owned up to their actions is one cause. For example, maybe your best friend spilled your secrets, or a family member treated you poorly, but they never apologised.
In these instances, grudges can be .