he first thing you say when someone tells you their bad news determines where the rest of the conversation goes—and, sometimes, where the relationship goes. Responding in a less-than-ideal way can prompt your conversation partner to pull back and decide, “‘Well, I’m not going to bring to you anymore,’” says Jenny Dreizen, an etiquette expert and the Scotland-based co-founder of , a website that offers in order to provide words for moments that leave you at a loss. “We all get blank-page syndrome,” she says.
“None of us know how to do this.” With that in mind, we asked Dreizen and other experts to share their favorite ways to respond to someone who’s sharing bad news, from the trivial to the unimaginable. Imagine a friend just told you their vacation plans fell through, and they’re crushed.
Your gut reaction might be that it’s a minor concern—it’s not life or death, right? “But we don’t dictate what upsets people,” Dreizen says. “And we don’t know what that vacation would mean to somebody.” That’s why she employs the VASE Method, which helps you present your words to someone as though they’re pretty flowers in a vase, she says.
The acronym stands for: validate (recognize that their experience is real and true), acknowledge (show that you understand what they’re going through), support (offer to do what you can to lighten their load), and express (tell them how you feel, emphasizing your pride, love, respect, and compassion). In t.