Liz C had always known something was wrong with her marriage of 30 years, but she could never identify the problem. After her husband retired, the disengagement, silent treatment and lack of support that characterised the relationship worsened. One day a friend asked her if she had ever heard of “covert narcissism”.
Covert narcissists are petulant, highly sensitive to criticism, and tend to feel aggrieved by the world. They’re often more insidious than grandiose narcissists, who are louder and usually easier to spot. Liz C, 62, who spoke on the condition that her last name be withheld for safety concerns, was unfamiliar with the expression.
As she scoured the internet, her reading on narcissism led her to works by clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula and clinical psychotherapist Les Carter. Through them she discovered a phenomenon known as “narcissistic abuse” . Narcissistic abuse, she learned from her research, consists of psychological, emotional, financial or sexual manipulation inflicted by a narcissist, sometimes with coercive control - a pattern of behaviour used to dominate and control a partner - or physical violence.
The relationship usually begins gloriously, with grand gestures and “love bombing” - barraging someone with lavish gifts, affection or attention. But experts say it can quickly turn from romantic and flattering to critical and invalidating, or remain in a pernicious purgatory. Those on the receiving end can experience fear, confusion, anx.
