Dr Christopher Miller is a psychiatrist and psychoanalyst practising at the University of Maryland Medical Centre and an associate professor at the University of Maryland School of Medicine. OPINION We all have dreams about our life and what we consider markers of success, whether personal or professional - good health, a satisfying job, a loving family, financial stability or something else. While some people achieve these goals in balanced and sustainable ways, others find it challenging.
When these idealised scenarios remain out of reach - especially as we age and have less time to achieve them - we may feel guilt or shame. As an antidote to these bad feelings, we may rage against the world, create scapegoats to blame for what went wrong, beat ourselves up mercilessly or continue to push ourselves relentlessly. One of my patients had struggled over time to manage all aspects of daily life.
But many things were not going according to plan, and facing this perceived lack posed a threat to her sense of self. If she gave up pursuing the ideal, how else could she live? But there are healthy ways to let go of these idealised versions of how our lives should have been, or should be, and instead focus on building a life, at any age, that is true to our needs and values. Ask this difficult question I often ask patients, “Who are you outside of how others view you?” This can be a difficult question to answer, as often, the way we think of ourselves is in relation to other people.
