It has sadly once again become clear that England will not in fact be winning this latest major tournament, Gareth Southgate’s men will yet again depart with their fraudulent over-ratedness yet again thoroughly exposed. After a 1-0 win over Serbia that leaves England languishing atop Group C, there is no doubt that we’re all going to find ourselves in as great a need as ever for scapegoats and sacrificial lambs to explain away this unacceptable catastrophe. Luckily, we can obtain for you these animals.
Here are 10 of the absolute b**tards, which is arguably even more than actually necessary. 1) Gareth Southgate’s tactics/clothes Obviously. You can’t hoodwink us with your performative sports-casual look, Gareth.
It’s not making anyone play with greater freedom, not making anyone think you’re a fun guy. Bring back the waistcoats. The Serbia game ended as so many others have before it with an hour of pure Southgate sufferball with all its stresses and uncertainties, once again rendered somehow even crueller by being preceded by half-an-hour in which England might not have exactly taken the breath away but had produced their trademark tantalising glimpses of just how very, very good they could be and very nearly are.
Jude Bellingham doing bits and getting hoofed repeatedly up in the air for his troubles – it’s a sign of respect, Jude, just a very sore one. Bukayo Saka terrorising left-backs. Declan Rice doing the work of three normal men.
The defenders not trippin.
