'Should I tell my daughter I'm not her biological mother?'

Kelly* has a dilemma – she would like to tell her daughter that she is not her biological mother, but her family has other ideas...Kelly* had always wanted children. She was ecstatic when, at eight years old, her mother told her she was having another baby and Kylie would soon be a big sister. She almost fainted when her mother said she was expecting a little girl."Oh yeah, I was excited," she says. "I was gonna be pushing her around in a pram all day and dressing her up all nice, like she was a little doll! I couldn't wait."In the end the experience wasn't quite as she pictured in her head. The angelic little doll she imagined, of course, was a bit different to the little newborn that turned up. And, as the years passed, her little sister Margot was much more interested in sports and cars and anything blue than Kelly – who was a very girly girl – could have imagined.READ MORE: 'If you're reading this, it means I have died': Mum's harrowing final post"Margot was born a tomboy," says Kelly. "Right from the start. She hated dresses. Hated pink. Hated my dolls."Margot was quite different in other ways too – while Kelly was a self-confessed "girly-swat" who took her education very seriously, Margot discovered alcohol and drugs at a very young age and was constantly in trouble with the school for missing class or for bad behaviour.Things only got worse as time went on – to the point where Kelly almost considered not inviting her teenage sister to her wedding, because she was afraid what might happen."I was 26 and Margot was 18 and had moved out of my mum's and was a mess," says Kelly. "She was living with a guy who was... well, he was a terrible influence on someone who didn't need much convincing to do more drugs".Meanwhile, Kelly was having her own struggles. At 28 she had her first miscarriage. She'd go on to have a devastating seven of them.For a daily dose of 9honey, subscribe to our newsletter here."It was horrible, because after the first two miscarriages, the next times I got a positive test I didn't even feel very excited anymore," she says. "I felt terrified about what might happen next."Doctors could find no explanation as to what was causing the reoccurring miscarriages and her marriage began to unravel under the stress."He wanted to stop trying and give up, but I couldn't," says Kelly. "I was desperate for a kid."Eventually they parted ways. Kelly was 35. She looked into getting a sperm donor or different ways of trying to have a baby, but, now single, she couldn't see how she could afford it."I could spend all that money, and just have another miscarriage," she says. "I could have probably afforded giving it a go, but I couldn't see how I'd then have enough money to then raise a child on my own."It was around this time that she received the news her little sister was pregnant.READ MORE: 'I could hear laughing': How a 'pocket dial' ended Jane's marriage"It was unplanned," says Kelly. "She found out when she was eight weeks. It was bittersweet news, y'know? I was happy that it was this wake up call for her, because overnight she quit drugs, quit alcohol – everything. She got clean for the baby."Margot was determined to get her life straight for having a baby. The father wasn't in the picture. She moved home with their mother and for a while, Kelly contemplated moving in too, to help out."Maybe this would be the closest I got to being a mother," she says. "I wanted that, but I was also afraid it might be very painful."In the end, she decided to move in for the first three months, to help out. She says it was a "beautiful, and, at times very painful" time. "I loved the little girl she had, Ruby. I wished she was mine though."Kelly moved back out after three months. She was now looking into adoption, after the experience of looking after Ruby. She had started the process, when another three months later – when Ruby was six months – her sister came to her.She'd fallen back into the pit that was her addiction to alcohol and drugs. She couldn't find a way to pull back out of it.READ MORE: Why women aren't taking their husband's surnames"As much as she had tried, it's like she just didn't actually want to be a mother," says Kelly. "The grip that the drugs and alcohol had on her was too strong."Margot had talked to her mother about her adopting Ruby – but her mother was worried that she was single, 68 and still working. She had a better idea: Kelly."It wasn't how I expected it to happen, but it felt right," says Kelly. "I immediately said I would adopt Ruby, if she was serious about it."Margot was. In fact, she wanted Kelly to promise her she wouldn't tell Ruby that Margot was her biological mother – she wanted her to always think Kelly was her mum, and Margot was her aunt.The process took some time – Kelly wanted to go slowly, because she was worried that Margot might change her mind. She went through a few phases of deciding to get off drugs, but even during those periods she didn't want to be a mother again. But then again, she would relapse.When Ruby was four Kelly received her new birth certificate as an adopted child. Kelly was now officially her mother.READ MORE: No one was meant to see this clip of Matildas star Mackenzie ArnoldSlowly, as she changed jobs, she felt more and more that Ruby was 100 per cent her daughter. She'd stopped telling people she was adopted – it was irrelevant.One of the last conversations Kelly had with Margot was her telling her again, that she promised Ruby wouldn't know she was her biological mother."Maybe Margot knew what was coming, I dunno," says Kelly.Because two weeks later, Kelly and her mother were told the devastating news that Margot had died from an overdose."It was unbelievable," says Kelly. "But believable at the same time."Kelly says she struggled with guilt for a long time afterwards, wondering if she could have or should have done more to intervene with her sister.READ MORE: Mother of the bride's dress sparks heated wedding debate"I've seen three different therapists now, who have been great," she says. "I've learned more and more about addiction and that you can't 'save people'. You feel like you might be able to have control, but you don't."It's now four years since her little sister passed away. Ruby is now eight years old – the same age Kelly was when she became a big sister. And now, Kelly spends an awful lot of time pondering one question: Should she tell Ruby about her biological mother."Ruby has always called me mum," says Kelly. "I am her mum. But I also think she has the right to know who her biological mother is."But Kelly's mother and their extended family disagree – they think it would be best if Ruby didn't know."Mum's reasoning is that she shares such similar DNA to me, it's not like she has a different medical background that she should know about," says Kelly. "She thinks it would make her doubt herself, maybe be susceptible to drugs and alcohol in the future if she thinks she has a genetic predisposition to it or something. And she thinks we should honour Margot's wishes.But, as Ruby's mother, I think that overrides the promise to Margot. I need to make sure I'm doing the right thing."Kelly says she thinks the truth will come out eventually – it somehow always does, so she'd like to be the one to tell her and sometime soon. But, she's worried about how strongly her mother and their family feel about it. She's of course worried about Ruby's reaction to it."I would say that I think about this about 100 times a day," says Kelly. "It's dominating my life. So, if anyone has any advice, please tell me!"*Names have been changedFOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP HERE: Stay across all the latest in celebrity, lifestyle and opinion via our WhatsApp channel. No comments, no algorithm and nobody can see your private details.This article was originally published on Capsule. It has been republished here with permission.