This is dedicated to all of you sitting at home with I-told-you-so smirks on your faces. (Somewhere in Russia. Vladimir Putin is sitting in a small, nondescript room with two chairs.
A man about Putin’s age enters.) Putin: Ah, Valeri, sit down. Valeri: (Nervous) Thank you, President Putin.
Putin: Just call me Vlad ...
and not The Impaler ...
that is just some not very funny nickname made up by imperialistic Fox News. Valeri: (Still nervous) I will keep that in mind. I was wondering .
..Vlad .
.. why I was called into your presence today.
Putin: (Proudly) Valeri, you have been chosen for a great honor, probably the greatest of your life. Valeri: (Suspicious) But I am just a minor government bureaucrat. Surely you have the wrong man.
Putin: You have been selected for the very fact that you are an unknown. But that won’t be for long. Valeri: Are you sending me to the International Space Station? Putin: Better than that.
You have been selected to run against me in the 2024 presidential election. Valeri: I don’t mean to sound ungrateful, but didn’t you win the last election by 99%? Putin: Yes, and we’re still looking into that 1%. But, do not worry.
We have the whole election process mapped out. We need to give the people the illusion that they have two viable choices in the election. You will be the radical whose platform includes ending the war in Ukraine and granting Taylor Swift the right to perform her Eras Tour concert in Moscow.
Valeri: What if the people support tho.
