'I have won all the debates and therefore the election' 27th June 2024 WE have held debates, I won them all and they were on television. Everybody watched them and everybody will therefore vote for me or what was the point? Last night’s debate provides a prime example. According to all the sensible newspapers, I had Starmer on the ropes.
I hit him with the £2,000 tax rise, on open borders, on his plan to train monkeys to steal money from pensioners, and all he could say was ‘Liar’. I was full of pep, vim and zing, which aren’t the medical names for those substances and did I mention my mother was a pharmacist? Starmer? Dull, dusty and ponderous with a tendency to turn pink under pressure. The win was awarded to me.
But then? I look at the polls and it’s as if the debate didn’t happen. I prove myself the cleverest and I win, that’s how it works, but not according to ignorant Britons. Pay attention, cretins: I lowered myself to your level.
I appeared on your televisions during your prime time when you watch your halfwit soap operas. The only competition was Georgia vs Portugal and who gives a f**k about that? And there, on your vulgar 65-inch flatscreen that shows a bowl of flowers when it’s off and you think that’s ‘nice’, I won. What’s the alternative? That Britain hasn’t watched the debates? That they’ve made up their minds based on five years of government? That two men ignoring questions and shouting soundbites isn’t the perfect basis for all.
