I have a new device to shift those stubborn kilos - once and for all - with no effort required! It’s depressing how much attention that old sales pitch gets. Some analysts are predicting that when oral semaglutide - Ozempic - becomes widely available, around 50 per cent of the adult population might end up taking it. Why can’t people simply eat less? Have you met people, or been a person? My untrue and hopefully profitable theory is that the non-dominant hand - for me, the left - is the one that reaches for the chocolate, without the permission of our sensible dominant cerebral hemisphere on the opposite side.
Thus, despite our good intentions, we end up on the couch clutching a tub of ice cream, watching underweight men ride bikes up mountains, while overweight spectators violently shake homemade banners at them. With my patent-pending non-dominant arm restraint - basically a shoulder surgery sling - you can walk past the kitchen without discovering a Toblerone in your subconscious grip. Wear it to the shops, and you will buy a cart full of vegetables, and no treats - conditions apply.
‘Tis the season of the Tour de France, which often coincides with a rise in the number of sweaty blokes stuffed into lycra, clip-clopping through previously tolerable cafes. A few years back, I nearly got into fisticuffs after reflexively objecting when a flushed Mark-Cavendish-wannabe was clearing his sinuses into the potted Ficus by the chalkboard of daily specials. Only later did I th.
